Ashes
by Gingehfish
Summary: He's so perfect, so strong... his pelt blazes like the fire he's named for. And look at me— crippled, broken, useless. No matter what I do, he will only ever see me as a friend, and nothing more. ONESHOT.


**I started writing this, as a drabble, while rereading **_**A Dangerous Path**_**, and it just kept coming until it was more than a thousand words, so I decided to count it as a oneshot. I'm not exactly sure what this is, since it turned out more like a diary than anything, but it's got quite a bit of Cinderpelt/heart angst in it. ****I hope the transition from Cinderpelt to Cinderheart made sense. Well, enjoy!**

* * *

**ASHES**

* * *

He's so perfect, so strong... his pelt blazes like the fire he's named for. And look at me— crippled, broken, useless. No matter what I do, he will only ever see me as a friend, and nothing more. If it weren't for my cursed broken leg, perhaps things would have been different— mentor and apprentice have been known to grow closer than the usual bond.

But I'm broken, broken beyond repair, and he deserves someone whole— and someone beautiful. Someone who can keep up with him, stay by his side, and bear his kits. I can do none of those things. It pains me to see him so close to another— how blind he is to the workings of the heart! He still dwells on the past, another hopeless situation. He needs to live in the present... and no matter how much I wish he could find love with me, she is perfect for him, and I am far from it.

* * *

The cruel irony of fate! No matter how many moons pass, no matter how many dreams of mine are shattered, I still foolishly hold hope that one day he will turn and see me as more than just a friend and advisor. But it is all for naught— he has finally realized how much she means to him, and there is no way back.

I think she knows my feelings for him. I think she was jealous of his closeness to me, at first, but now she knows they are one and together.

But, oh, how StarClan yearns to punish me more! What could I have done to deserve this endless misery? First my leg is crippled, then my love finds another, but no, that is not the end. I know now, as I have truly always known, that my connection to StarClan is not what the other medicine cats experience. My omens and dreams are muddled and confusing, my prophecies obscure. And along comes a _true_ medicine cat, whose connection to our warrior ancestors is strong and pure. She is quiet, kind, and perfect— I would be glad to train her, only she is their daughter!

Must I be tormented forever more by 'what could have been'?

* * *

At last, StarClan tells me, my suffering will be over. I will miss my Clan, but they will do well under Leafpool's care, and surely I deserve some rest after all my trials?

But first, I have one last hurdle to overcome. Leafpool is breaking the code that I have sacrificed so much to keep— the law against love. No matter my personal feelings about the code, Leafpool _must _stay— not only for her good, but for the Clan as well.

* * *

A flash of light.. the splash of blood, bright against the darkness of the nursery... the stench of badger... and at last, silence...

* * *

I had the strangest dream last night. I was walking through a forest, and though it was completely unfamiliar, I knew exactly where everything was. And my leg— my leg hurt, and dragged on the ground. It was like my injury from my apprenticeship, but far, far worse. How strange...

* * *

He's so perfect, so strong... throughout my moons, I only really ever saw him as a friend, but now there is something about him that makes me dreamy and silly. He reminds me so much of something— no, someone— but I just can't place it...

* * *

Oh, StarClan protect me from my own heart!

I think that he loves me, as I know I love him, but last night, he took me into the forest to tell me something. The fox attack that scared me so was but trivial for him. He has been given powers from StarClan. He is invincible! He and his brother Jayfeather, and his apprentice Dovepaw, are part of a prophecy— a prophecy that says they will be greater than StarClan! He _says_ he wants me for a mate, but I don't feel that I'm worth it. He's either crazy or greater than anything, and neither way could I be his mate. He'll have to find someone else— someone who's as great as he is.

* * *

So strange... my thoughts are fractured these days. It's as if I'm not alone in my own body. I am beginning to remember things I have never experienced, and look at others differently. Suddenly I remember the elders and senior warriors as younger and fluffier— apprentices and young warriors, not the respected, experienced cats i was raised by! And even stranger— I see my mother as a kit, and have dreams of my father calling me 'sister'!

I have heard of my father's sister, Cinderpelt, who died even as I was born. But now, with panic rising in my chest, I wonder if her spirit is trapped inside me, though whether she is living through me or trying to get out, I don't know...

* * *

Jayfeather has confirmed my worst fears— Cinderpelt's spirit is, indeed, locked inside my body. I have heard her murmuring in my ears, and I know she means me know harm. Still, it is awful to know such a traumatizing thing. I want my life to be my own!

* * *

At last, caught in a moment of distress, I feel something— a burden of pain and worry— lift off my shoulders. Cinderpelt has left, with nothing but a word of thanks for the experience of being a warrior for once.

At last, I am free... but my knowledge of herbs is still within me, and no matter what Jayfeather and Leafpool say, I feel that the Clan needs me as a medicine cat. I will never be Lionblaze's mate now...

* * *

So much has changed. The War between StarClan and the Dark Forest is over, and I am now myself and no one else. I feel, at last, happy and content. I have come to terms with my destiny and Lionblaze's, and I feel we can be together happily at last.

With Cinderpelt's memory, I can serve my Clan as a medicine cat should the need arise, but it would be dishonoring her memory to leave my status as warrior. Also because of her experiences that still remain as memories, I know how much Firestar meant to her, and why I have always been drawn to Lionblaze. He is so much like his grandfather, so strong and smart, that the part of that was Cinderpelt couldn't help but love him, too.

But I love Lionblaze for himself, not his kin. The prophecy is fulfilled, and we can live together and raise kits in peace now. As a prophecy would put it, though none such exists (I hope!), "The Fire has fallen, and Cinder is all that remains, and she will rise from the ashes to find peace with the Lion."

I have indeed risen from the ashes of my former self to find love at last.

* * *

(I thought she was me, but I am not she. I yearn for her peace, but these cinders and ashes will rest in the stars at last.)


End file.
